


letter to dan

by ironicshibes



Category: dan and phil
Genre: DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, M/M, Phan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 22:49:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11678718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ironicshibes/pseuds/ironicshibes
Summary: Phil misses Dan  and has no one to care for him. So he writes a letter to Dan; his ex boyfriend but the still the love of his life before taking his last few breaths.





	letter to dan

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Contains eating disorder information and death/suicide

The nurse ripped the curtains open, there was no sun outside; just clouds and sadness. Phil got up slowly from his bed and walked over to the window. He rubbed his tired eyes and stared at the raindrops rolling down the window. Phil rested his head on his hand and took a deep breath. "You can go out there if you want" the nurse whispered. "I would, but my legs hurt" Phil replied. He dragged his ill body back to bed. Phil put his glasses on, picked up his phone and decided to stalk people on facebook. By stalking he meant looking at Dan's profile and seeing his YouTube success after leaving Phil, and Phil's YouTube career crashed instantly. People didn't even tweet him anymore. Dan had a young boyfriend, he was like a cute version of Cole Sprouse. He was a model and YouTuber who got famous really quickly and Dan got interested in him a year before he left Phil. Phil scrolled down and saw a lot of photos of Dan and his boyfriend, until he scrolled down to 2015 and saw a pic of him and Phil kissing with their dog in between their laps. Phil threw his phone on the floor. He didn't have energy to produce any tears or to pick up his phone. His lungs hurt, his ribs hurt, he didn't have any muscle. He was fragile and done with life. He was young but starving himself after Dan left him made him feel and look 60 years old. Phil rested his head on the pillow and stared at the ceiling. He was angry, sad and agitated. He thought he had his life sorted with Dan. Phil shot up and located the nearest note pad and pen to him and started writing. He wrote down Dan's address and the date.

"Hi Dan,

I miss you, a lot. I decided to write something instead of sending a text or something digitally because it reminds me of us when we used to send silly letters to each other. Do you remember the first time we met? The first hug we had at the train station, I felt so warm and happy inside. I loved being in your arms, your big chubby warm arms. I miss the way we were in 2009 when we had our first date at Starbucks and kissed for the first time on the Manchester Eye. The way we used to hold hands and cuddle in bed. Relaxing my head on your chest and hearing your heartbeat. I loved playing with your curly hair when we cuddled, wrapping the little curls around my fingers.

I loved your rants about music, politics and society, I still do. Remember that video I sent you on valentine's day when we couldn't be together because you were on holiday? We tried so hard to be together when we were so far away, we were so in love at that time, we never stopped talking, either we texting or in skype. I still remember the cuddle we had when we filmed the first Phil Is Not On Fire. I miss playing Mario kart and eating pizza with you. Everything was so much better with you. Even at YouTube conventions we stayed by each others sides and always played DDR. Our Japan trip, our books we released and the tours. We had everything and you threw it away. You were my best friend and the love of my life. Once you rebranded everything changed, you never wanted to do Phil Is Not On Fire again, you started sleeping in the extra room more. Even when we bought a house and got a dog, you were still acting different and miserable. I'm sorry if that was my fault.

When you left me, I was in pieces. That day you left for good broke my heart multiple times. When you threw the house keys in my face, picked up your last box and walked out. Not even looking at me. You knew I had no one, so I starved myself for months, after a while someone found me and took me to hospital. Dan, I didn't write this to make you come back to me or to make you feel bad. I just needed to tell you that my lungs collapsed a few days ago and now I use a machine to breathe. I'm dying Dan and this is the last thing I'm going to do before I go. Is to write a letter to you, to tell you that I will always be in love with. The times I had with you were the best part of my life and I wouldn't do anything to change that. I hope you have a good life with your boyfriend, but please never forget about me and the memories we shared together

Forever and always,

Phil Lester"

 

Phil dropped the pen with his shaky hands and quickly read through the letter. He nodded to himself and ordered the nurse to post the letter. Phil relaxed and turned the machine off. He was sure he didn't want to live anymore, there wasn't a point. He took one last glimpse at the outside through the window from the bed. Stared lovingly at the framed picture of Dan and his old dog together, and held it with both hands across his chest and closed his eyes.


End file.
